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Search Results 0 to 17 of about 18 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Jan 10, 2013 7:00pm PST
ago. >> tosh: perhaps you don't understand how rich i've become over the last four years. i have an ancient olive tree growing in glass in my palatial home. i think i'm doing better. next week this kid gets redeemed for being love sick and tone deaf. ♪ look into my eyes ♪ you'll see what you mean to me ♪ >> tosh: every 50-year-old's panties just got a little moist. follow me on twitter and go to our blog and buy stuff on our tour and happy to brag about my upcoming show in portland, oregon the 25th and here's your brickleberry spoile spoil alert. stay tuned for jimmy [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, is america >> gun control. is america finally ready. aim fire! [ laughter ] then, america's troubling new food addiction. and my guest neal shubin is a paleontologist who found a missing link between sea and land creatures. du,-aquaman. 2012 of the hottest year on record. we think. the record burst into flames. this is "the colbert report". ["the colbert report" theme music playing] captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen [ welcome to
Comedy Central
Jan 9, 2013 11:30pm PST
for reasons i don't want to get into because it undermines my position. [ laughter ] and as a result, our dear leader obama is more determined than ever to take away our guns in that he has never tried to take away our guns. [ laughter ] but last week, he appointed reich marshal biden to head up a gun safety task force that will convene a "series of meetings" and "offer recommendations--" "in an effort to build consent for action." meetings? recommendations? effort? [ laughter ] folks, that is a slippery slope to jackbooted powerpoint presentations. [ laughter ] now, fortunately, folks, there are rational voices out there, who have a reasoned response to those who want gun regulation. >> now get a gun and go after her hide! well said. and sam's not alone. standing with him is nra head wayne lapierre, who in the wake of unimaginable tragedy, put forth a simple plan to reassure our troubled nation. >> i call on congress today to act immediately to appropriate whatever is necessary to have put armed police officers in every single school in this nation. >> stephen: yes, just put armed officers in
Comedy Central
Jan 7, 2013 10:30am PST
the answers. but we don't. until the season premier on january 6th. well, tonight folks, i strike back at her highness. by presenting you, my nation, with something not even michelle has seen. part of the show vince gilligan has agreed to let me show you scenes from the upcoming season of breaking bad. (cheers and applause) as performed by the men of downton abbey. (laughter) james? (laughter) thomas? >> lord grantham is growing impatient. it's time to start. >> right you are, allow me to bring the mobile lab. there we go, mr. johnson. >> thank you. it's a shame that in order to save downton abbey lord grantham has sunk to brewing the black came cheil crank. >> stop being so high and mighty. the village tea twikers can't get enough of it, earl blue, they think it is the chiz el miz el. carson, thomas, hurry up with that batch. i promised to buy the product and a gentleman keeps his word. or one has a cap popped in one's as. >> soon downton will be connecting it with mad bitches and benjamins. (cheers and applause) im. >> yo, you got something in mind. >> carson, is someone addressing me? sorr
Comedy Central
Jan 10, 2013 11:30pm PST
is damning. and i don't care if 43% of obama's appointees have been women. they're not in this photo. i live by one rule. if i can't see it, it does not exist-- oh, my god! where's my hand?! ohh. i thought obama took it. don't ever scare me like that again. [ laughter ] of course, obama's not letting me down. i love white men. i sleep with one every night that i know of. [ laughter ] no, folks, i'm heartbroken for my liberal friends. and so is former governor and formerly relevant mike huckabee, [ laughter ] who was publically worried about them on his radio show. >> now a lot of those females who supported barack obama are scratching their heads, and they're saying, "whoa! how come there is so much testosterone in the obama cabinet and so little estrogen?"" [ laughter ] >> stephen: yes, huckabee and hucka-me are outraged on behalf of you estrogen soaked females. because obama's not turning out the way you wanted him to. if anything, he's turning out the way we want him to. and that should make you furious that we're delighted that you're angry. [ laughter ] now in terms of diversity, the fi
Comedy Central
Jan 11, 2013 6:55pm PST
surface with his urine. he has anonymously pooed hundreds of videos. here he is at a boston market. don't laugh. this fugitive has been at it for years. no one has ever caught him. he appears to haae a very vitamin-rich diet. watch what he does to a bathroom at the container store. i'm saying "he," but that mighh be a woman. no need to profile. all right. here he is at his most diabolical. come on. not the cleaning supplies. mexican ladies have to touch% those. his yellow rain of terror must be stopped. i'm counting on you guys to help me. if ou see anyone drinking a suspicious amount of liquid, please e-mail the show. do not approach the subject. his gladder is extremely full you might be sitting across from the yellow pee-pee monster as we speak. all right. this week, big-foot dies. finally, you will be shot on pight if you attempt to trick or treat on my property. you have been warned. good night. (laughter) captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you, ladies and gent
Comedy Central
Jan 9, 2013 7:00pm PST
office's forever stamp. come january 27, it goes up by one cent. [ laughter ] >> stephen: folks, i don't wanna brag but back in 2007, i bought dozens of forever stamps when they were still 41 cents a pop. now they're 46 cents. god knows how much that's worth. [ laughter ] every time i send a letter, that's pure profit! every second i'm not lickin', i'm losing money. [ laughter ] but as smart an investment as this was, it just proves the government can't do anything right. this price hike is an outrage. a penny?! let me get this straight, post office. i put a letter like this in a metal box on any street corner in, say, miami and within a couple days it's delivered in seattle, washington. and for that you want 46 cents? [ laughter ] you go to hell. [ laughter ] what -- what? what am i, made of cents? what's next? 47 cents?! there's no telling what's after that. [ laughter ] well screw the post office. at this price, i'll deliver my own letters, thank you. [ laughter ] note to self, check orbitz for flights to everywhere. [ laughter ] nation, they say an apple a day keeps the doctor away
Comedy Central
Jan 8, 2013 10:30am PST
don't know. okay. we'll see how the year shakes out. okay. now, folks, before i went on break, all the news was about a looming economic cataclysm known as the fiscal cliff. i didn't watch any news over the break but i assume we did not plunge over this cliff because i have not spent the last week fighting seagulls for discarded hot dog buns. as a member of the top 1% i would rather have had my eyes pecked out by an albatross than suffer the deal accepted by republicans from owe balm yanch president obama increased taxes on the rich. >> taxes go up for singles making over $400,000 or more. it goes from 35% to 39.6%. >> 39.6%, mr. president? how is kim-ye supposed to afford a baby now? nation, nation, listen -- i don't want to brag -- but i make in excess of 400 large a year and by large i mean biggie fry, biggie coke. okay? i'm successful. if the government punishes me for it with the tax increase maybe i won't want to be anymore. >> it lowers the incentive of the people you want to take risks and to inknow rate is and to create. >> it's a disincentive to work. >> why do we want to
Search Results 0 to 17 of about 18 (some duplicates have been removed)